Musings of Anakin Skywalker
by Ameleia
Summary: A collection of Solos/One-Shots that were linked to my old Twitter account, @BrotherToHim. An ObiAniDala AU, where Anakin hasn't yet turned to the Dark Side.
1. Terrified

Terrified

 **A/N: The 'events of yesterday' refer to Padmé leaving after a fight.**

After the events of yesterday, Anakin was emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. He had tormented himself with possibilities. The gnawing fear that he had somehow hurt Padmé, somehow lost her love, grew stronger with each second he had spent away from home, replaying her refusal of touch over and over again.

When he finally did come home, his fears were pushed aside by a fragile reunion. But something still didn't feel /right/. Obi-Wan was tormented, Anakin could feel it. But he wouldn't talk about it. Padmé was still overwhelmed emotionally because of the babies.

He had tried to bring them to bed early but none of them could sleep. But that was okay. If Anakin hadn't gone out and physically gone running for most of the day, he probably wouldn't have been able to sleep as well.

But.

He had needed them, needed touch, needed physical reassurance that they were both /there/ and that they /loved/ him. And it wasn't there. Sure, he /knew/ they loved him. They had both told him that within moments of him coming home. But Anakin felt empty without them in his arms. Felt insecure and worried about losing them. He had a feeling all three of them were feeling insecure one way or another, but if that were so, why didn't they all just take time to lie beside each other and bask in the knowledge of each other's presence?

Anakin had reluctantly allowed sleep to claim him, dread in his heart. He didn't think he could take a nightmare, not when the line between nightmare and reality was becoming so thin.

Instead of beginning with cries of pain or pleads for help, this dream began silently. Well. Almost silently. There was always this strange noise that sounded akin to mechanized inhalations and exhalations that kept him from hearing the conversations of his dreams clearly.

Padmé. He could see her, and Force was she /beautiful/. A white dress, her hair down, her hands resting on her swollen stomach, she was simply /glowing/ with happiness. She turned towards him, and her smile slipped off her face. Fear flashed in her eyes. Anakin held out a hand to calm her, confused and concerned. "Padmé, it's alright, it's just me-" But suddenly she was clutching at her throat as if he- Oh. His raised hand-He couldn't control it, couldn't...

And then his vision went black, that same strange noise humming in his head louder and louder. When Anakin could see again, there was Obi-Wan, peacefully meditating. Not wearing his Jedi Robes, rather an outfit of pure white, as Padmé had. When Anakin walked towards him and moved to sit in front of him, Obi-Wan opened his eyes. Anakin flinched. That look was so cold, his eyes were so devoid of...of...love. "Go away, Anakin. I don't want you here." Ice cold fear gripped Anakin's heart. /Never/ in his dreams was he able to hear something so /clearly/. Mostly the words were muddled, but these were crystal clear. He reached out for Obi-Wan, realizing several things at once. One, that he was wearing all /black/ as opposed to their white. Two, that Obi-Wan also had that twinge of fear in his eyes, as he leaned away. And three, that Padmé was suddenly beside Obi-Wan.

Padmé looked like a fallen angel, her throat was bruised black and purple and her outfit contained splotches of black and...red liquid on it from an area right close to her heart. She clung to Obi-Wan's arm where he sat, her eyes filled with tears of /blood/ that dripped down and stained the sleeves of Obi-Wan's shirt. They curled into each other, both looking so tormented. He reached out for them, they flinched away, sobbing and clinging to each other. He had to touch them, had to reassure them, had to have their love, had to-

His eyes flashed open to see Obi-Wan standing wearily by his side, a hand on his shoulder. Anakin knew there was fear in his eyes, but did nothing to hide it. He expected that cold voice from his dream to tell him to leave, he could still hear it echoing in his head. The images of Padmé covered in blood, bruised neck burned behind his eyelids each time he blinked.

Padmé was right to have gone away. Obi-Wan was right to have refused to talk with him. They were right to avoid sleeping beside him.

This was it, he was sure. His nightmares were becoming reality.


	2. Trust

Trust

I'd always counted on my instincts. They told me when to run, when to stay, what to say, what to do. Sometimes I ignored my instincts, but I always had thought they were pretty much on the mark. I trusted who I thought could be trusted.

I trusted Qui-Gon when he promised me I'd be a Jedi. I trusted Obi-Wan when he took over my training. I trusted Padmé from the moment I saw her. I trusted the Jedi.

My instincts had never misled me, so when I met the Chancellor-well, ex-Chancellor now- I trusted him. Completely.

Thinking back on it, it must've been so damn /easy/ for Palpatine. So easy to take the insecure boy and begin to manipulate. I divulged all of my fears to him, fears I wasn't supposed to have as a Jedi. I had a much harder time confessing these things to Obi-Wan because admitting fear was admitting my failure as a Jedi. Confessing to Palpatine was different. There wasn't that expectation, that disappointment. Force, I hated disappointing Obi-Wan.

I spent /hours/ at a time with Palpatine. I told him /everything/. He had seemed so concerned with me, had seemed like he so wanted to help me. I told him about Padmé, I told him about Obi-Wan, long before we ever came clean to the Council. He supported me, kept my secrets...

And yet he was the one behind all these terrible crimes. My nightmares. I still shudder at the thought of them. I suppose it made sense now. I had divulged all my fears to him, and all my dreams were twisted versions of these fears. How /dare/ he give me these /scarring/ visions of my wife, mutilated and dead at my feet? Of my children in immense agony? Of my husband dead by my own hand? He may not be able to give me nightmares anymore, but those images are forever burned into the back of my eyelids, and I doubt I will ever forget them.

And among other things, he attempted to /poison/ my husband! It sickens me how he sat with me and comforted me in my fears about disappointing, losing my Master, my husband, and then he went and attempted to take him away from me.

Just thinking about this makes red hot anger burn in my veins. He wanted to take away all my happiness. For what purpose? Why? Why pretend to care about me like a son, and why take my happiness away from me? Because I'm the damn "Chosen One"? Because I just happen to have a ton of midichlorians in my blood? What, he thought I would be his little pet? Ha! Like I would ever do as he says-

But I would have. That's it, isn't it?

Obi-Wan was right, as he always is. My fear would've made me easy to manipulate.

Well, it won't happen now, thanks to Obi-Wan. I won't lose Padmé, Obi-Wan, Luke, Leia...He's locked up now, can't touch them.

I'm upset, of course. Angry, yes. But relief is here too.

Except.

For this small fear in the back of my head.

If I was blind to Palpatine's manipulation and ill intentions...What else could I possibly be blind to, even in this very moment?

Who can I trust?


	3. My Mother's Lullaby

My Mother's Lullaby

When Anakin awoke at two in the morning, it was because he had been physically shoved until he had fallen off of the bed and onto the floor. He groaned, giving groggy protests of confusion, only to hear distant cries of the babies in the background, and Obi-Wan muttering "It's your turn" sleepily before he rolled over and curled into Padmé. Anakin had given a sigh and slowly stood up, rubbing his eyes. "Are they hungry?" he asked, perhaps selfishly hoping the answer was yes so that he could crawl back into bed and his wife could attend to the children. That notion was crushed when Padmé muttered, "Use formula."

Anakin gave a little sigh but didn't argue, padding out to the kitchen first and putting together two bottles sleepily. Shirtless and barefoot, he made his way to the twins' room without tripping over anything. His ears were immediately assaulted with loud wailings when he entered the room, making him wince. "Shh, shh, Daddy's here." He leaned on the edge of the crib, running a hand tiredly through his hair as he tried to gauge which child was being the loudest. /Leia/. Luke looked like the majority of his crying was due to his annoyance at his sister crying than his own hunger. Little Leia wailed and flailed, her arms reaching up in the air, whether that was a reflex or she wanted to be held, Anakin didn't know.

Even still, he scooped his daughter up into his arms, immediately bouncing her slightly as he moved to sit in the rocking chair. "Okay Princess, okay, I know, you're hungry, huh?" He carefully held Leia in the proper position and began to feed her from one of the bottles. Her screams died instantly and Anakin nearly exhaled in relief, his gaze on his daughter.

Luke, however, did not like that Leia was getting fed and getting Dad attention and he wasn't. When Luke's whining began to turn into wails as well, Anakin groaned and knocked the back of his head on the wood of the rocking chair. "Luke, I promise I'm going to feed you just as soon as Leia is done. Patience, my son," he spoke, as if the other could actually understand. Luke did not take comfort in his father's words, apparently, and began wailing louder. Stubborn child.

Anakin rocked slowly in the chair, trying to think of what he could do to calm Luke before he got a headache. Obi-Wan would often speak in soft, gentle tones that would keep the twins rapt with attention and calm as anything. He doubted his voice would be able to do the same, his accent was harsher, his tone too dry, but he decided to give it a try anyhow. "You're gonna be a powerful Jedi someday, Luke. A heart as pure as your mother's, a soul as kind as your father's." Anakin wasn't actually being conceited here, he was indeed referring to Obi-Wan. Out of curiosity they had gotten blood tests for the twins, and miraculously, Leia had been Anakin's and Luke had been Obi-Wan's. "You are perfect, my son. I love you so very much. ..Even when you're being difficult." He added as Luke screamed on, seemingly uncaring about listening to Anakin.

Anakin sighed and gazed down at Leia, who had almost finished with the bottle and was looking up at Anakin in a very sleepy manner. Those eyes... "You, missy, have your mother's eyes." He told her. "And don't think that means you'll get anything you ask, if you just look at me like that." Anakin tried to warn, but before he had even finished speaking he chuckled. "Nah, you're right. Both of you are going to be /so/ spoiled."

When Leia had finished her bottle and Anakin had burped her and placed her back down, Luke hadn't quieted once. However, the moment Anakin picked him up, Luke was content and snuggled into Anakin's hold. Anakin smiled, enjoying the silence- Until Leia began wailing. Anakin had found out that both of them loved to be held after they'd eaten until they fell asleep. Leia was not at all happy Anakin had disobeyed the rules.

"I'm sorry, Leia, I can't hold you right now. Padmé probably could, but I'm not that talented with juggling children." Despite Anakin's apology, Leia refused to quiet. As Anakin resumed his position with Luke now, the boy calmly feeding from the bottle as his sister screamed her head off, Anakin tried to think of a new tactic to try.

Singing maybe? Both Padmé and Obi-Wan would sing softly to the twins at times, but when Anakin did it, it didn't tend to have the same effect. Perhaps his voice was too loud? Still, it didn't hurt to try again. He began to sing simple lullabies, ones that he had heard Padmé use. Luke looked up at him with observant eyes, but Leia's screaming only quieted to a loud wail.

It was at times like these that Anakin felt quite inadequate. Luke and Leia seemed to behave so much more when in the arms of Padmé or Obi-Wan then when they were with him. He slowly stopped singing, simply watching Luke and feeling a weight on his heart as Leia cried. After a moment he leaned his head back agains the rocking chair, trying not to let doubts cloud his mind.

"I love you two so much," he mumbled to the ceiling, barely audible over Leia's wails. "I want to take care of you, but sometimes I just don't know what to do." He admitted quietly, going silent for a long while after that.

When Luke had finished his meal, Anakin got up only to pick Leia up so now both of his children were in his arms. Leia's wails reduced to cries, and Luke started to cry as well, t.

"Shh, shh, please, I'm here..."

That's all he really was doing. He was just /here/. Present but useless-"No, Anakin, don't think about yourself like that," said a voice in his head that sounded strangely like his mother's. Ah, his poor dear mother. He missed her now more than ever. She would've adored Luke and Leia, she would've given them the same smile she always reserved just for him.

After some time he sat back down in the rocking chair, attempting to soothe his children into sleep with the soft motion, even as they squirmed and cried continuously. "Please, babies, please...It's okay." He mumbled. He was highly considering sending a Sleep Suggestion to them each or to at least send a wave of calm to them via Force, but he almost felt as if he had something to prove to himself, that he could get them to sleep not as a Jedi, but as their Father. His normally over confident self was nowhere to be seen as he simply began to think about how /quickly/ Luke and Leia would sleep if they were in Padmé's or Obi-Wan's arms.

He closed his eyes, and heard that same voice in his head. "Stop tormenting yourself." Right. Focus on the children. Get them to sleep. How had his mother gotten him to sleep? If Anakin kept his eyes closed he could almost feel the way she used to run her fingers through his hair. And what's more, he could recall an old tune that she used to sing to him. It was almost eerie, and sort of sad when she sang it, and Anakin had asked often about it. His mother had always just given a little smile and told him it was the song of a heavy heart embracing its sorrow. She had said little more about it, but he remembered that each night she sang it he had been pressed to her chest and had never felt more secure.

He could almost hear her singing it now, and without realizing it his own lips began moving and the mournful tune he had never sung before in his life came out as if it had been practiced for an eternity. The harsh language of the Hutts sounded gentle, sad, and beautiful on his tongue, and he instantly felt a wave of calm fall over himself, but where it came from he couldn't tell. He just knew that this was exactly what he felt when his mother had sung this to him. Hurting and yet calm and more secure than he'd ever felt in his life.

As he began to realize what he was singing and the shock that he actually knew the words, he glanced down at Luke and Leia, finding that they had miraculously settled, gazing up at him with curious yet sleepy eyes. As he continued to sing, Luke gave a little yawn which made Anakin smile, and Leia leaned more towards him as much as she could.

When he had run out of lyrics, he softly hummed the tune over and over until, at long last, the twins were asleep in his arms. He felt comfort all over his being, and curiously, reached gently out with the Force to see what Luke and Leia were feeling. He was elated to find that the sense of security he so vividly recalled from his childhood was shining brightly in both babies.

With the familiar pang of love so strong it hurt, he gently kissed their foreheads and placed them down in their crib. He watched them lovingly a moment longer, before feeling a swell of gratitude rush over him. As he walked towards the door, to rejoin Padmé and Obi-Wan in bed, he cast his eyes skyward for a mere moment and mumbled, "Thanks, Mom. For giving me your lullaby."


	4. My Children

My Children

Force, Anakin hated being sick. It was annoying and hindering. From messing with his connection to the Force, to even messing with simple activities such as /sleep/, being sick was no fun. He was out and about on the busy streets, he had a list of things his wife wanted him to get. Goodness how he'd wanted to refuse, to whine and stay home all day, but her sweet smile had been enough to cause him to cave. He secretly thought she wanted him out of the house because he was a bit of a nuisance (so his family said) when he was sick. That, of course, further darkened his mood, because he was /not/ a nuisance thank you very much.

He checked his little list Padmé had given him, groaning when he saw he was only half way through it. He started walking towards the next location, glancing at what it was he needed from this place. Oh, it was-

"/ANAKIN/!"

He whipped around, looking desperately for his wife. Where was she? She was upset, she was screaming! The streets remained normal, passerby gave him weird looks, and Padmé was nowhere to be seen. Her scream still echoed in his head, but he saw no sign of distress, and the feeling in the Force of /wrongness/ had ended as suddenly as it had come. His heart rate was still high, pounding in his ears, as people shoved past him.

Slowly, he began walking again, searching his (fuzzy) connection with the Force for anything off, feeling for Padmé and Obi-Wan, Luke and Leia, and finding them well. Just as he'd been about to enter the next store, a strange humming in his ear began, muffling the busy sounds of the street until they were completely blocked. "/ANAKIN/!"

He could see Padmé! She was here, and she was grabbing him, tears in her eyes. "What is it, Angel, what's wrong?" He asked immediately, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"The children!" She wailed, clutching at him. He went to hug her back, but then she was gone. And suddenly he could see Luke and Leia, and they were crying! That was wrong, his twins should never cry.

"What's wrong?" He asked, intending to move towards them immediately, only to find that his feet wouldn't cooperate. Frustrated with himself he opened his arms for them. "Come here, please, it's alright, I promise."

They ran towards him, but were stopped, scared beyond belief by something he couldn't see. And all he knew then was that they were i n, screaming, screaming for him to help them, clinging to each other even on the ground, as something bright and blue touched them, harmed them, and he could do nothing bu h.

And then suddenly /he/ was on the ground, looking up at a crowd of people who looked concerned or somewhat intrigued, whispering. This had happened only once before, and he recognized the feeling as the same as when he had woken up in the hospital and the Chancellor had been locked away. The humming in his ears was back, but was fading quickly and as he hesitantly stood up, the confused bystanders parted for him, one lady asking him if he was alright. He waved a hand dismissively and started walking, at first unsteadily, back home. He was confused, why were these visions happening again if Palpatine wasn't capable of transmitting them? He was disoriented, had the vision even happened or was it just his sickness messing with his suspecting to Force visions? He wa d, was this a premonition? He wa id, what kind of Father would he be if he couldn't save his children?


	5. Understanding

Understanding

Anakin sat on the floor of his living room, Obi-Wan across from him and the twins in between. Their walking was a little shaky still, and Obi-Wan and Anakin were encouraging both of them to walk back and forth between each other. Padmé was sitting on the couch, folding laundry, though her eyes would constantly drop to watch the goings on beneath her, a warm smile on her face. The feeling in the air was entirely warm, fuzzy, and secure. Anakin was happy, Obi-Wan was happy, Padmé was happy, Luke was happy, Leia was happy. It was so beautiful, such a simple, content moment in time. Anakin never wanted it to change.

When Leia made it into his arms he praised her, smooching all over her little face and making her giggle and squeal in delight. Seeing her so happy made his heart thrum in his chest, brought joy to his heart. What a precious mini angel.

He would do anything to keep her happy.

He set her back on her feet after a little snuggle fest, encouraging her to walk towards Obi-Wan as Luke then toddled over towards him shakily. He held his arms open for his son now, urging him forward with a smile. Luke stumbled and fell a few times, but was a determined little bugger, getting right back up, eyes ever on his goal. Such dedication. Luke got his share of kisses and cuddles when he successfully made it over to Anakin, his arms flailing happily from all the attention as he mumbled half baby gibberish. "Such a good boy," he praised, nuzzling his son affectionately.

He would do anything to keep him happy.

Huh. As Anakin looked into his son's face, as he listened to his daughter's squeals of delight as Obi-Wan tickled her face with his beard, he began to understand. This is what was so dangerous. He loved his family, his children, so deeply...That he would do /anything/ for them.

Stop anything from harming them.

Destroy anything that tried to harm them.

Kill for them.

Destroy a planet for them.

Turn the galaxy on it's head for them.

/Anything/.

'Anything' was a dangerous word.

Now he understood but he didn't feel wrong. He knew if the time came he wouldn't stop himself. And he couldn't bring himself to care that it was wrong, because if it was for his family, he would do anything to protect them.


End file.
